Personal Again?

I think this blog is becoming more personal and more like a journal. I had previous blogs that were more personal than I intended to. Thus, deleting them were appropriate if I wanted to look good on internet — since more and more employers are looking up their prospect employees on Facebook, searching their names in Google, and reading their blogs.

Somehow, this blog is an outlet for me. Something that I just want to shout in the dark for anyone to hear me. Plus it’s a good writing practice for me. Every time I write, I always proofread not once, not twice but more and edit as much as I need to. However, whatever direction my blog is going, it’s not satisfying enough.

Maybe that’s why I’m feeling low for past few years. I wanted to make a difference in the world. Maybe I am by helping one person at a time with whatever he or she need, big or small. But it’s not enough. Everyday, the reality is a grimace. The face that I don’t want to see. Everyday, the hardship grows. Something that I can’t diminish. A lot of things is on my mind. Everyday, the more I think, the more I realize how hopeless my dreams are. Looking at myself and the world, who am I kidding that someday, the man will love me forever for who I am despite how I look? Who am I to tell someone that I love him?

But love is not my top priority. People who surrounds me depend on me. What am I supposed to do? I know I can’t do this alone. I know that I will not realize their dreams. I’m struggling for years in trying to get good grades in college so I can get a good job. My degree? I’m not sure if anyone wants to use me as a useful resource and pay me good money. Something to elevate my family from near poverty. They have to wait. I don’t.

There is someone that I should depend on. Everything that I’m worried about, I should cast away onto His shoulder. Let Him worry for me. Let me work for Him and everything will work out. Will work out… in the end. The process to the end? The process is too painful to go through. Why can’t I just depend on Him? I found my way with Him. Now I’m lost again. Why can’t I be faithful like Paul? I’m sorry, God. I blame myself. For letting people trigger the pain inside I had buried all these years.

I Hate Korean News

Seriously, I do. I can’t even enjoy sleep during the hot summer. We don’t have air conditioner but it’s not needed. The house makes a good shading place so it’s not hot inside. It’s humid despite the California myth which is California is hot and dry. There’s a little breeze sometimes and I can feel it when I’m in the den. It’s an ideal place to stay cool during the hot weather without using any electricity.

When it comes to bed time, I like to sleep cold. My room has two little windows. One of them don’t have screen and I don’t want to have it opened to let the bugs inside. Unfortunately, the windows are blocked by junk outside and even the smallest amount of cool air can’t come inside. My room is usually cool but not cold enough for me to sleep.

Why I like to sleep cold? So I can wrap myself in a blanket and sleep in my own comfort of my body temperature. I think my ideal room temperature is 50 degree or less during sleep and California summer weather at night drops to about 60 degree. And it’s still humid. That’s the problem right there.

The solution to this problem is turn on the electric fan, put it as far away from me as possible and sleep (I don’t want air rushing to my face, it’s annoying). It gives a cold temperature just the way I like it. I can wrap myself in a blanket and lullaby into good night sleep. However, the fear runs deep within my grandma’s veins.

More than 10 years ago, South Korea ran the news about electric fans. The major broadcasting news ran the stories of people who died when the electric fans were present. Due to poor investigative tactics and quick to draw conclusions, they successfully made Korean citizens hysterical and paranoid about electric fans being killers at night. So my grandma would come into my room in the middle of the night and pulled the plug on the fan. It would start to get incredibly hot in few minutes so I was roused from my sleep. I plugged it back in and went back to sleep. Then few hours later, my grandma does it again. Again, I woke up and plugged it back in. The pattern repeats itself until I give up.

So this week, I did not have good sleep at all. I’d sleep longer than I want to because I automatically kept waking up due to heat. I wake up with major headaches and I get tired already. I have taken naps which I totally don’t want to but my body would scream “More sleep!”

I told grandma this morning not to come into my room and turn off the fan. She told me that she was afraid that fan would kill me in my sleep. She said I would freeze to death. Why would I? I’m wrapped up in a comfy blanket. I got to the point where I yelled at her that this is crap and all lies. I even told her that I slept like that for many summers and I’m still alive. I can’t blame her for being brainwashed by stupid media but she won’t listen to me.

It’s a long battle that I have had with my parents too. I didn’t even know that the fans had timers because of this stupid story. We don’t have air conditioner. I want to sleep cold. That’s the only way I can sleep to have good night sleep.

Before anyone makes a report, they should investigate and see the other possibilities. Look for evidences. See the surrounding area. See why people died. Unfortunately, even today, they still do it what they do worst. Draw conclusions, make headlines that aren’t worthy, write poor reports, and only make stories that would grab top ratings.

It’s going to be a long summer. I can’t even bother to lock the door because my grandma has the key. Thanks a lot, Korean News. I have to go evil on grandma just to have her leave the poor innocent fan alone. You made everyone a living hell to live.

Xanga Stereotype

I hate having a crush on someone. Right after having a longtime crush on someone else even though I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Gah!